Elliot (still fighting on the middle name) Grahl

This post is dedicated to my tummy dweller, Ellie. So far this is a name we can both agree on, even though my dear husband is fighting me on the middle name. (Doesn't he know childhood promises to your BFF are meant to be kept??) It may change in the next 5 months ( I can already picture my mother trying to pronounce Elliot) but it feels awesome to refer to her by name and not just "it". It has been quite a roller coaster of emotions since finding out I was expecting, and I'm only halfway there! Seeing her move around on the ultrasound and finding out she's a "she" makes it that much more real...and terrifying. What kind of mother will I be? Will she be proud or embarrassed of her parents? Will she have Giuliano's eyes? My nose? Endless worries and concerns regarding her healthy development. Knowing that I will probably never stop worrying. And in spite of (or maybe because of) all this, I am beyond excited. Excited to see Giuliano hold his daughter for the first time. To see him squirm as he changes her first diaper. To watch her grow and find out what kind of little person she will be.

I have so many examples of good mothers surrounding me, starting with my own mother and grandmother, to my mother in-law, aunts & stepmother, to my amazing friends Karem, Ashley, Vivian, and of course Daleth who I am in awe of almost daily. And now Johanna, not even just a friend anymore, more like a sister. My heart aches knowing we are so far apart, but our friendship has survived 21 years and I know it will be around for the next 20 (I kind of owe it to her anyway for putting up with me during my middle school chongalicious phase). I feel blessed to have the support of all these women, not to mention the support and love I am already receiving from my non-parent friends! Ellie will be one loved child :) To her, I would like to promise a few things. She can even bring this up in the future and hold me accountable.

I promise to:
-Love you as if you were my own
-Hold you for ridiculous amounts of time, even after my mother tells me I'm spoiling you
-Never ever dress you in an ugly outfit (Remember, times change!!)
-Let you eat yourself sick on Halloween just once, as long as Daddy takes you trick or treating (I can't promise he won't eat all of your candy)
-Force you to read and learn to love it (You'll thank me later)
-Always take your side when you argue with grandma (This one is for selfish reasons...)
-Leave you with your grandpa so he can tell you all the jokes and stories that would entertain me for hours when I was little :)
-Let you drive your uncle Oscar crazy. This one is more of a request from me than a promise to you...
-Support you in everything, as long as it doesn't involve small animal sacrifices
-Never say "I told you so" (I will, however, smirk to myself and reinforce my belief that I know better)
-Kiss you where it hurts, but to also make you get right back up and face the challenge again
-Keep your dad busy when you get picked up for dates so he can't intimidate them
-Always have time for you


I'm sure there are more things I can promise you, but I don't want to paint myself into a corner! We will just stick to the basics for now. In all seriousness, though: Please feel free to bother your uncle Oscar as much as your little heart desires. Ask to spend entire days with him. Play the game of shadow (I'll teach it to you as long as you promise only to play it with him). He loves it.


As a bonus to my few readers who actually make it through my posts, here's Ellie being a drama queen with her hand on her face:       

             ( For those who can't see it, her tummy is on the left and head on the right where it says profile)

All the best laid plans...

    Man plans and God laughs. Is that the saying? I'm pretty sure a huge laugh is currently had at my expense! So to catch up since my paternal grandmother's death in July: we found out my maternal grandmother has Stage 4 lung cancer that had already spread to her liver; it was a pretty tough moment for her and her remaining children. She decided to come visit Miami and ended up staying with a close family friend, Carlos (my stepfather growing up) in Cape Coral. The decision to live with him caused some strife as my aunts naturally wanted her to spend her last days closer to them in Puerto Rico.
     Two and a half weeks ago we get the phone call: she fell. She's been rushed to the hospital and is in the ICU. The nurses are telling Carlos they might need to intubate her since she was in respiratory distress. Imagine the difficulty of the situation. Last minute plan are made by my mother in order to take time off from work, to drive the two hours and be at her side, but she also has to alert my aunts/arrange flights from PR/wait for them to arrive so everyone can make the journey west together. It was a long day and a half. We get to the hospital Tuesday night, she looks terrible. Barely recognizable from the facial swelling and very confused/agitated. Not an easy moment for my mom and her sisters. Unfortunately, on top of everything else her kidneys were failing; things were not looking good. The staff was amazing, and the intensive care physician did an amazing job of calmly explaining to my family that there really was not much else to be done; even if she pulled through this, the lung cancer would take her before year's end. My mom and aunts made the extremely difficult decision to focus care on comfort and place her under hospice; she passed away that Friday surrounded by her three remaining children, and I'm sure my deceased aunt and uncle were present as well. Again, plans had to be made for cremation, one way flights home for my aunts, and round-trip flights for myself, my mom and brother. We held the memorial this past Saturday, September 1st and it was a beautiful day on the island :) I'm glad was family was able to gain some closure.
    My brother and I, although saddened, did not really feel deep grief given that we unfortunately were not close to our maternal grandmother. All the same, I am happy she is at peace and no longer in pain; I am especially happy she is reunited with two of her children and her 1st husband


    Cut to the unexpected surprise: I found out I am 5 weeks pregnant the Wednesday before going to PR. Shocked is a major understatement; I think I cried for two days straight. Telling Giuliano was the single most exciting/nerve wracking/hardest thing I've ever done in our marriage. I was irrationally scared of his reaction knowing we had both decided to wait until he finished school before starting a family. He guessed before I could even tell him! *shakes fist* He cried with me and then reassured my troubled heart that all was well. He has been my rock; being more positive than me (which, if you know us, is not the norm!!) and constantly telling me everything would be all right. He even went as far as asking for twins...one at a time, please!!

    My emotions have been all over the place, truth be told. First (and I'm going to be completely honest here, no judgement allowed!) I was disappointed. Disappointed because I didn't plan for it, and didn't want to be that girl. Well, guess what, I am that girl and I've learned that there is a lot of stigma behind surprise pregnancies. Sometimes they DO happen even if you are being careful! I'm by no means irresponsible, and now understand the tough situations women can be in, even though I always thought as a woman I inherently understood. It goes beyond pro-life and pro choice; it is an understanding of what it really means to know you created life and will be bringing it into the world. Or your decision not to. Talk about mind-boggling. I am, more than ever, happy women still have a choice in this country. I personally do not think I could ever seriously consider it, but you can never dictate the path your life will take nor would I force this life changing experience on anyone who did not want it!

   As the days have passed, my emotions cheered up. Telling my parents, my in-laws, my brother, close friends and seeing the happiness on their faces gave me the first glimpse of excitement. Then I began to find myself pondering on what the gender is, what they would be like, how amazing it would be to experience motherhood, and my excitement quadrupled. I affectionately started calling it my little poppy seed :) I have a small worry in the back of my head about making it to 12 weeks unscathed, especially since getting a phone call from the OBGYN wanting to move up my first ultrasound from October to next week due to low progesterone levels. Now the thought of losing my poppy seed is heart wrenching, and I will sending positive vibes to the womb!! I am hoping to keep a diligent record of my thoughts and feelings over the next 9 months so my child can one day read this and know how much they are loved, even right now as a tiny embryo.

                                

Late 20's

Well I can see how well I've done keeping up with my goal of at least one blog post per month....

I'm learning about the stages of life. In my late teens everyone was discovering first love, applying to college, and for some of my friends, experiencing out of state college experiences. The most important things seemed to revolve around school or close friends/significant others. You're invincible at 18.

In my early/mid twenties, everyone was experiencing the "real world." College graduation meant either continuing with grad school or finding a job with this degree you've worked so hard (hopefully) to earn. Some of us were lucky enough to start our careers right away, others went back to find another, more meaningful degree/career. Still others continued on their long journeys toward law and medical degrees. At this stage, many of my friends and old schoolmates were getting married. Some married earlier, and some are still not there, but the majority happened from ages 21-24. I was a little late with my own 25 year old wedding, haha.

Now, I'm learning about the "late" twenties. My friends are having babies. Buying houses. Finishing doctoral degrees. Learning more about what it takes to make it as an adult. My least favorite part about the late twenties is the start of the inevitable; grandparent/parent death. (I do apologize for the morbid turn, but my writing is cathartic) My paternal grandmother died yesterday. It was not unexpected, but that does not take away from the sorrow in the least. Cucu, as we called her, was diagnosed with breast cancer in 2005, and battled for 7 long years before deciding early this year she did not want any more chemo or radiation. The cancer had spread to her bones, and there really was nothing more to be done. I supported her decision fully, and just wanted her to be comfortable. The eye-opening moment was her not being able to come to my wedding; we both shed some tears over that but with the help of technology, we were able to broadcast the ceremony and reception to her sick bed. I will always be grateful she got to see me walk down in the aisle, albeit virtually.

There is something to be said about the way a family comes together at a time like this. I love my family all the more in the dignified way her decisions were handled. She died knowing she was loved immensely, and was even able to welcome the newest member in the family, James. She told me once in confidence that her only regret would be not meeting any of her great-grandchildren, but at least she was able to meet her last grandchild who was born just 3 weeks ago.

I cannot adequately express the feeling of losing a grandmother. There is a special bond between grandmas and grandchildren, and I was lucky to have her. I think back to the days when I used to take her to chemo appointments, and cannot quite fathom a world where her stubborn opinion isn't making its way out of her mouth. She was honest to a fault and gave the best advice (as grandmothers are wont to do). Case in point: after a particularly rough break up from my boyfriend of 2 years, I was crying on the phone to her, expecting some sympathy. She promptly told me to stop crying, and that she was glad he finally grew balls and walked away. I was 20 and pretty selfish, so she kind of had a point. I will always remember her being unapologetic about her opinions, no matter how unpopular, and she was usually right (frustratingly so).

So here's my homage to my abuela cucu. I love you dearly and will miss your comforting shoulder always. I will also regret my children not being able to meet you, but there will be so many stories to tell they will feel as though they  know you. I know wherever you are, there is no pain, and that is what comforts me the most.
love, your favorite granddaughter :)

To live or not to live? My life as an RN

I'm pretty sure I had a goal somewhere on here to write more often...and of course it's been one month since my last post. Maybe I should reward myself with chocolate for every post...

I saw The Descendants today, and loved it. (I won't give anything away, the previews pretty much cover it). The movie was great, but honestly what I loved most was the depiction of George Clooney and his family respecting the wishes of his comatose wife. As a nurse, I see daily the progression of healthcare to keep the human body alive and functioning. It truly is amazing the ability we have to heal, and there is no better feeling than having a patient make it against the odds. The downside to all this technology, however, is just that: we are keeping people alive, longer. What non-medical people fail to understand sometimes is that just because the patient still has a heartbeat doesn't necessarily mean they are "alive" in the sense you probably want them to be. I remember the outrage in the media over Terri Schiavo (sp?) and how people were claiming her husband was essentially murdering her in the cruelest way (starvation/dehydration). I have withheld oxygen, lifesaving medication, food, and water from patients, and I have never felt cruel. What I view as cruel, to myself as a nurse and to the patient, is keeping someone alive who does not have any quality of life. When this topic comes up, I have never heard anyone say "Yes, please keep my body alive, connected to a ventilator and being fed through tubes". So why the discrepancy? For one thing, most people never have this conversation with their loved ones; it's usually considered too morbid. The family is then left to make the decision, and it is not an easy thing to be the one to say "enough", and take away life supporting care.
Sometimes, even when the person has made their wishes known, if it is not expressly written and notarized, it gets overlooked. Well meaning family members want everything to be done, and then if they die it was meant to be. The problem is that nowadays, we can keep someone alive indefinitely, and usually it is a complication from being bedridden (infection, pneumonia, etc) that ends up ending their life. You are left with a shell of a person, unable to communicate, unable to feed themselves or even move when they feel uncomfortable. I have seen someone with cancer in almost every organ system, including the bones, in excruciating pain die a very long and drawn out death due to the family's insistence we do everything possible. I am not saying we give up hope, quite the opposite, actually. I have seen miracles in the course of my work. People who should not have made it walking back into the hospital to thank us. The problem comes when it is a chronic issue, and there really is no new treatment to give the patient. Nothing helps. We are just keeping the patient in a suspended state of misery until their body gives up. This is what I am against, and why I was so happy to see a movie in which this issue is addressed, albeit briefly. I don't mean to sound callous, but keeping patients alive with expensive procedures that will not change the prognosis weighs on all of us as well. It costs millions to keep a patient alive in the ICU; ventilators, chest X-rays, dialysis. artificial nutrition, life-sustaining medications to maintain blood pressure and heart rates. Modern medicine is wonderful, and I am grateful for all that the new technology allows us to do, but it should be used meaningfully, keeping in mind that just because you can do it all, doesn't mean you should. 
*End rant*

One step closer to 30...

On the eve of my 26th birthday, I sit and ponder on all that I've accomplished; I graduated college with a bachelors degree and enjoy my career to the fullest. I got married. I have traveled somewhat often but only twice out of the continental US. I live what I consider to be a happy and meaningful life...but I realized that there's so much more I want to do. So much to learn and see and absorb.

I recently saw a high school friend's blog, in which she delineates 101 goals for herself in the upcoming months. I thought it was really inspiring, and so I've thought a little bit about what I really would like to accomplish in the next 2 years. I hope to be able to look back on this and check them all off my list!!

6 month goals:

       -Study for and FINALLY take the CCRN (certification for ICU nurses)

       -Map out my study plan for my masters degree

       -Learn to make 3 new recipes from scratch

1 year goals:

-Take a course at miami dade; cooking, photography, dance, etc

-Finally make the scrapbooks I've been putting off, including one for the wedding

2 year goals:

-Travel to Europe

-Go on a medical mission to another country

-Start a family :-)

My goals are by far not an all encompassing list; this is just the beginning! But maybe seeing it in writing will give me that much needed boost.

P.S.-I feel like I have to mention that, although it felt a little strange/sad today to be celebrating my bday with my husband instead of my mom and brother, he pulled off a great day. New boots, dinner and scrumptious dessert...he knows me so well. LOL

Days like today

I promised myself I would write whatever was on my mind, be it good or bad. I don't lead a perfect life!

I love my job. Really, I do. I don't love all aspects of my job (waking up early, getting home past dinner time, dealing with increasingly frustrating rules and regs, excessive charting... I could go on...) but the good definitely outweighs the bad. Except for days like today. I really can't pinpoint any one thing, but days like this make me seriously doubt my ability to work full time and be a mother. I am so physically drained and exhausted I can barely make it home to eat dinner and fall into my bed. Except now it's get home, help prepare dinner for myself and Giuliano, spend quality time together, and then go to sleep. Forget any other kind of "quality time"; it just isn't happening when I can't even muster the energy to shower. (I do, though! For those of you now wondering)

It's days like these that make me miss the somewhat carefree days pre-marriage (I know, I know, it's only been 2 weeks). Life is only going to get more complicated, more time consuming, and when the kids come: louder and more expensive. I want these things, mind you, the tough times and the fights and the noisy, messy children. I yearn for these life experiences but at the same time wish it could all stay simple.

Thankfully, I know that my down days are few and far in between, and those surrounding me always know just what to say to make me realize A) I'm being dramatic or B) I'm loved and it doesn't matter anyway. Giuliano is great at helping me see the brighter side of things (which is pretty ironic considering he's the token pessimist in this arrangement). Having our family home evening (for my non-LDS friends: spiritual moment shared with your family) helps me to see the bigger picture and bask in the joy it is to know I am unconditionally loved and accepted. Like a wise woman said, what else is there?

Maria Consuelo Jesus de la Caridad Luque

Today, most of my family gathered at my aunt's house to join my grandmother as she had an administration of a blessing by a minister geared towards helping with the transition from this life into the next. My beautiful grandmother has been battling breast cancer for more than 6 years. She is a strong, stubborn, proud, amazing, woman. I hope to have inherited some of her great resolve and kindness towards others. She is always putting others first, even today, sick and uncomfortable in her bed she made it a point to make sure everyone else was comfortable and happy.

Today I saw firsthand the love my father, uncles, and aunt have for this incredible woman. If I feel honored to be her granddaughter, I can only imagine how they feel to be her children. It was the first time in my entire 25 years that I saw my grandmother cry, and maybe the 3rd time seeing my father shed tears. We were able to tell her exactly how much she meant to us and how her example would live on in all of us. A bittersweet moment as I realized just how blessed I was and how little time I have to soak up all her awesomeness.

Today, I realized how short life truly is and how fragile. My grandmother was always a fighter, always looking for new treatments to beat the cancer. Now, she is content and at peace with her accomplishments and in knowing she is loved immensely by all those who surround her. When asked if she had any words to say to us, she looked around the room, and said "What can I say? I love you all. More than anything else in this world. What else is there?"

Our Wedding Day

I feel it appropriate to share about the most meaningful day in our lives so far! 

We were officially married in the Orlando, FL LDS temple Friday, February 10th at 10 AM. It was a pretty calm morning in the hotel room, considering my mother and I did all the hair and makeup ourselves (Our good friend/ hair stylist/makeup artist was unable to attend at the last minute). Only after walking through the temple doors and finally having a moment to ourselves were Giuliano and I really able to ponder on the step we about to take in our lives. I cannot describe the peace and joy I felt waiting alongside Giuliano for all our guests to arrive. We had about an hour of uninterrupted quiet time to sit and enjoy each others company. My clearest memory is walking into our sealing room and seeing my best friend's face. Johanna has been a constant in my life since kindergarten and continues to be the sister I never had. I cannot imagine her not being there and am grateful she was able to postpone her move to NC to be present in the temple with me. She was my family :)

After pictures, pictures, and more pictures...
                                                                          My family

Giuliano's family

My brother and I, so happy he was there!

Giuliano and I were able to drive comfortably to the airport and fly down hassle free in time for our reception thanks to my amazing uncle! We enjoyed a nice lunch, boarded the plane, and landed 40 min later...only to find a water sodden Miami. I had about 3 missed calls from my reception site stating we were going to have to forego my previously arranged outdoor ring ceremony. The stress set in then as I struggled to figure out how I was going to get home in "rainy day traffic" in time to get dressed, hair and makeup redone AND now notify about 130 people of a location change. Oy Vey. Somehow (thanks to my amazing mother and patient husband) everything worked out and we were able to stay on schedule. I had one more surprise waiting for me outside:

My stepfather, Carlos, had rented a car to drive us to the reception, and it was beautiful. We really enjoyed our ride.

Even though I was already married, I wanted to share a part of my marriage ceremony with family who were not able to be present inside the temple, so we decided on a very simple ring ceremony. I was also able to broadcast the ceremony for my grandmother who, for health reasons, was unable to leave the house to attend. That was a big disappointment at first, because an event is not truly complete without Abuela, but I am glad Giuliano supported me in finding a way to include her.

My favorite part of my reception, hands down, was my father/daughter dance. We did a "rock the reception"  dance and my dad wowed everyone with his previously unknown of dance skills!

All in all, it was a wonderful day, and I am grateful to all those who helped make it happen. I am truly blessed with wonderful family and friends.

So I've started a blog...

Thanks to my friend Damaris Huici, and her sister Daylin, I have been itching to start my own "new family" blog  since getting married two weeks ago. I kind of continued with their theme of blog names, which I hope they don't mind ;) I think it's a great idea to have a journal for the first years of marriage; and since I am not the best journal keeper, maybe having an electronic format will be easier to maintain. *crosses fingers*

Coming from a family in which my parents divorced at an early age...this whole marriage thing is quite new. You always feel as though you will achieve more than your parents; be better than them somehow. In my community, many of my peers are the first generation to graduate from college. Our parents are always telling us to live better, to be better; to aspire for more. This includes education and career, but we also find ourselves cataloging all those things our parents did that we will absolutely NEVER do (chancletaso to the face) or the things they didn't that we promise we will. Now that I'm married, it seems as though this is another aspect of "do it better".   -Don't get me wrong, my parents are amazing people individually, and they have both had meaningful relationships  post divorce, so I don't consider that a traumatic experience and not what I mean when I say "do it better". - Sometimes even parents that stay together are in need of re-evaluating and finding renewed commitment to their relationship.

I am very happy with my decision to marry Giuliano, one of the best men I know. We had a very long and VERY bumpy road to marriage, but one that I am grateful for. When we first met, we thought we had it all figured out. Boy serves mission, boy returns with honor, boy meets girl = marriage and a fairy tale happily ever after. Except this is real life, and it doesn't usually work out that way. There is no magical formula for marriage, and there is no guaranteed happily ever after. You create your own. When Giuliano popped the question Thanksgiving Day, I was sure at that moment that we were both committed to each other and to starting a new life together. Every day he surprises me more with his continued commitment and tenderness. He even * drum roll please* washes the dishes, puts his clothes away, and cooks. Things he did NOT do prior to our living together and which, frankly, had me a little worried  =) Giuliano is an example to me in his faith and in the way he places God at the head of our home. He also knows exactly how to break my bad moods, and I usually end up laughing it off. I am confident  that, although our relationship is not perfect, we will always find a way to work through any trial that comes our way. Here's to marriage, love, and finding your own happily ever after!