All the best laid plans...

    Man plans and God laughs. Is that the saying? I'm pretty sure a huge laugh is currently had at my expense! So to catch up since my paternal grandmother's death in July: we found out my maternal grandmother has Stage 4 lung cancer that had already spread to her liver; it was a pretty tough moment for her and her remaining children. She decided to come visit Miami and ended up staying with a close family friend, Carlos (my stepfather growing up) in Cape Coral. The decision to live with him caused some strife as my aunts naturally wanted her to spend her last days closer to them in Puerto Rico.
     Two and a half weeks ago we get the phone call: she fell. She's been rushed to the hospital and is in the ICU. The nurses are telling Carlos they might need to intubate her since she was in respiratory distress. Imagine the difficulty of the situation. Last minute plan are made by my mother in order to take time off from work, to drive the two hours and be at her side, but she also has to alert my aunts/arrange flights from PR/wait for them to arrive so everyone can make the journey west together. It was a long day and a half. We get to the hospital Tuesday night, she looks terrible. Barely recognizable from the facial swelling and very confused/agitated. Not an easy moment for my mom and her sisters. Unfortunately, on top of everything else her kidneys were failing; things were not looking good. The staff was amazing, and the intensive care physician did an amazing job of calmly explaining to my family that there really was not much else to be done; even if she pulled through this, the lung cancer would take her before year's end. My mom and aunts made the extremely difficult decision to focus care on comfort and place her under hospice; she passed away that Friday surrounded by her three remaining children, and I'm sure my deceased aunt and uncle were present as well. Again, plans had to be made for cremation, one way flights home for my aunts, and round-trip flights for myself, my mom and brother. We held the memorial this past Saturday, September 1st and it was a beautiful day on the island :) I'm glad was family was able to gain some closure.
    My brother and I, although saddened, did not really feel deep grief given that we unfortunately were not close to our maternal grandmother. All the same, I am happy she is at peace and no longer in pain; I am especially happy she is reunited with two of her children and her 1st husband


    Cut to the unexpected surprise: I found out I am 5 weeks pregnant the Wednesday before going to PR. Shocked is a major understatement; I think I cried for two days straight. Telling Giuliano was the single most exciting/nerve wracking/hardest thing I've ever done in our marriage. I was irrationally scared of his reaction knowing we had both decided to wait until he finished school before starting a family. He guessed before I could even tell him! *shakes fist* He cried with me and then reassured my troubled heart that all was well. He has been my rock; being more positive than me (which, if you know us, is not the norm!!) and constantly telling me everything would be all right. He even went as far as asking for twins...one at a time, please!!

    My emotions have been all over the place, truth be told. First (and I'm going to be completely honest here, no judgement allowed!) I was disappointed. Disappointed because I didn't plan for it, and didn't want to be that girl. Well, guess what, I am that girl and I've learned that there is a lot of stigma behind surprise pregnancies. Sometimes they DO happen even if you are being careful! I'm by no means irresponsible, and now understand the tough situations women can be in, even though I always thought as a woman I inherently understood. It goes beyond pro-life and pro choice; it is an understanding of what it really means to know you created life and will be bringing it into the world. Or your decision not to. Talk about mind-boggling. I am, more than ever, happy women still have a choice in this country. I personally do not think I could ever seriously consider it, but you can never dictate the path your life will take nor would I force this life changing experience on anyone who did not want it!

   As the days have passed, my emotions cheered up. Telling my parents, my in-laws, my brother, close friends and seeing the happiness on their faces gave me the first glimpse of excitement. Then I began to find myself pondering on what the gender is, what they would be like, how amazing it would be to experience motherhood, and my excitement quadrupled. I affectionately started calling it my little poppy seed :) I have a small worry in the back of my head about making it to 12 weeks unscathed, especially since getting a phone call from the OBGYN wanting to move up my first ultrasound from October to next week due to low progesterone levels. Now the thought of losing my poppy seed is heart wrenching, and I will sending positive vibes to the womb!! I am hoping to keep a diligent record of my thoughts and feelings over the next 9 months so my child can one day read this and know how much they are loved, even right now as a tiny embryo.