One Year Later

Well, we made it. One full year as parents and Ellie is no worse for the wear. Exactly 365 days ago at this time I had only glimpsed Ellie briefly and held her for a minute before the nurses whisked her away. I had NO IDEA what was in store for me. That first week was intense...and it only got worse before it got better. I had all these emotions running through me, not the least of which were thoughts that someone, somewhere made a huge mistake and I wasn't supposed to have this tiny flailing creature. I remember vividly one night, after a long and stressful day, I just broke down crying on my mom's shoulder. I kept repeating that something was wrong, that this wasn't the way it was supposed to be. I was convinced I was doing everything wrong. And then, one day, she smiled in her sleep. That was all it took, I fell in love. I can admit that I was not head over heels in love with my tiny intruder from the first moment I laid eyes on her. I felt it later, when I saw that first milk drunk lazy smile on her face. I knew I would give my life a thousand times over just to see that smile. That is how strong the love of a parent is. And the thing is, you think you are the first person to feel this way. Sure, other parents love their children, but no parent in the world can possibly love their child as much as you love yours. It's impossible. Plus there's the simple fact that a cuter, smarter, sweeter child DOES NOT EXIST. Period. You find yourself staring into her tiny face in wonder, marveling at the fact that your world now begins and ends with her. You tell anyone who will listen how your heart will simply burst if you loved her any more than you do right at this moment. You briefly wonder if your parents ever felt this way about you. You daydream about what she will be like, laugh when you see how stubborn she can be, cry when you imagine any heartache she will one day feel. There are days I wonder how different my life would be had our married life continued according to plan. Ellie would not be here, Giuliano and I would be using our free time to travel and we would not be so adept at changing a diaper in less than 15 seconds in the middle of the night, in the dark, without waking up the baby. I try and try to imagine what my life would be like, but I can't. And while I know my life would be ten times easier, I don't want to imagine that life. If ever I needed a reason to wake up in the morning or be a better me, I look no further than my daughter. The cliche is real. Children renew your faith, they show you what it truly is to love another human unconditionally. I am lucky to have her.