To live or not to live? My life as an RN

I'm pretty sure I had a goal somewhere on here to write more often...and of course it's been one month since my last post. Maybe I should reward myself with chocolate for every post...

I saw The Descendants today, and loved it. (I won't give anything away, the previews pretty much cover it). The movie was great, but honestly what I loved most was the depiction of George Clooney and his family respecting the wishes of his comatose wife. As a nurse, I see daily the progression of healthcare to keep the human body alive and functioning. It truly is amazing the ability we have to heal, and there is no better feeling than having a patient make it against the odds. The downside to all this technology, however, is just that: we are keeping people alive, longer. What non-medical people fail to understand sometimes is that just because the patient still has a heartbeat doesn't necessarily mean they are "alive" in the sense you probably want them to be. I remember the outrage in the media over Terri Schiavo (sp?) and how people were claiming her husband was essentially murdering her in the cruelest way (starvation/dehydration). I have withheld oxygen, lifesaving medication, food, and water from patients, and I have never felt cruel. What I view as cruel, to myself as a nurse and to the patient, is keeping someone alive who does not have any quality of life. When this topic comes up, I have never heard anyone say "Yes, please keep my body alive, connected to a ventilator and being fed through tubes". So why the discrepancy? For one thing, most people never have this conversation with their loved ones; it's usually considered too morbid. The family is then left to make the decision, and it is not an easy thing to be the one to say "enough", and take away life supporting care.
Sometimes, even when the person has made their wishes known, if it is not expressly written and notarized, it gets overlooked. Well meaning family members want everything to be done, and then if they die it was meant to be. The problem is that nowadays, we can keep someone alive indefinitely, and usually it is a complication from being bedridden (infection, pneumonia, etc) that ends up ending their life. You are left with a shell of a person, unable to communicate, unable to feed themselves or even move when they feel uncomfortable. I have seen someone with cancer in almost every organ system, including the bones, in excruciating pain die a very long and drawn out death due to the family's insistence we do everything possible. I am not saying we give up hope, quite the opposite, actually. I have seen miracles in the course of my work. People who should not have made it walking back into the hospital to thank us. The problem comes when it is a chronic issue, and there really is no new treatment to give the patient. Nothing helps. We are just keeping the patient in a suspended state of misery until their body gives up. This is what I am against, and why I was so happy to see a movie in which this issue is addressed, albeit briefly. I don't mean to sound callous, but keeping patients alive with expensive procedures that will not change the prognosis weighs on all of us as well. It costs millions to keep a patient alive in the ICU; ventilators, chest X-rays, dialysis. artificial nutrition, life-sustaining medications to maintain blood pressure and heart rates. Modern medicine is wonderful, and I am grateful for all that the new technology allows us to do, but it should be used meaningfully, keeping in mind that just because you can do it all, doesn't mean you should. 
*End rant*

One step closer to 30...

On the eve of my 26th birthday, I sit and ponder on all that I've accomplished; I graduated college with a bachelors degree and enjoy my career to the fullest. I got married. I have traveled somewhat often but only twice out of the continental US. I live what I consider to be a happy and meaningful life...but I realized that there's so much more I want to do. So much to learn and see and absorb.

I recently saw a high school friend's blog, in which she delineates 101 goals for herself in the upcoming months. I thought it was really inspiring, and so I've thought a little bit about what I really would like to accomplish in the next 2 years. I hope to be able to look back on this and check them all off my list!!

6 month goals:

       -Study for and FINALLY take the CCRN (certification for ICU nurses)

       -Map out my study plan for my masters degree

       -Learn to make 3 new recipes from scratch

1 year goals:

-Take a course at miami dade; cooking, photography, dance, etc

-Finally make the scrapbooks I've been putting off, including one for the wedding

2 year goals:

-Travel to Europe

-Go on a medical mission to another country

-Start a family :-)

My goals are by far not an all encompassing list; this is just the beginning! But maybe seeing it in writing will give me that much needed boost.

P.S.-I feel like I have to mention that, although it felt a little strange/sad today to be celebrating my bday with my husband instead of my mom and brother, he pulled off a great day. New boots, dinner and scrumptious dessert...he knows me so well. LOL

Days like today

I promised myself I would write whatever was on my mind, be it good or bad. I don't lead a perfect life!

I love my job. Really, I do. I don't love all aspects of my job (waking up early, getting home past dinner time, dealing with increasingly frustrating rules and regs, excessive charting... I could go on...) but the good definitely outweighs the bad. Except for days like today. I really can't pinpoint any one thing, but days like this make me seriously doubt my ability to work full time and be a mother. I am so physically drained and exhausted I can barely make it home to eat dinner and fall into my bed. Except now it's get home, help prepare dinner for myself and Giuliano, spend quality time together, and then go to sleep. Forget any other kind of "quality time"; it just isn't happening when I can't even muster the energy to shower. (I do, though! For those of you now wondering)

It's days like these that make me miss the somewhat carefree days pre-marriage (I know, I know, it's only been 2 weeks). Life is only going to get more complicated, more time consuming, and when the kids come: louder and more expensive. I want these things, mind you, the tough times and the fights and the noisy, messy children. I yearn for these life experiences but at the same time wish it could all stay simple.

Thankfully, I know that my down days are few and far in between, and those surrounding me always know just what to say to make me realize A) I'm being dramatic or B) I'm loved and it doesn't matter anyway. Giuliano is great at helping me see the brighter side of things (which is pretty ironic considering he's the token pessimist in this arrangement). Having our family home evening (for my non-LDS friends: spiritual moment shared with your family) helps me to see the bigger picture and bask in the joy it is to know I am unconditionally loved and accepted. Like a wise woman said, what else is there?

Maria Consuelo Jesus de la Caridad Luque

Today, most of my family gathered at my aunt's house to join my grandmother as she had an administration of a blessing by a minister geared towards helping with the transition from this life into the next. My beautiful grandmother has been battling breast cancer for more than 6 years. She is a strong, stubborn, proud, amazing, woman. I hope to have inherited some of her great resolve and kindness towards others. She is always putting others first, even today, sick and uncomfortable in her bed she made it a point to make sure everyone else was comfortable and happy.

Today I saw firsthand the love my father, uncles, and aunt have for this incredible woman. If I feel honored to be her granddaughter, I can only imagine how they feel to be her children. It was the first time in my entire 25 years that I saw my grandmother cry, and maybe the 3rd time seeing my father shed tears. We were able to tell her exactly how much she meant to us and how her example would live on in all of us. A bittersweet moment as I realized just how blessed I was and how little time I have to soak up all her awesomeness.

Today, I realized how short life truly is and how fragile. My grandmother was always a fighter, always looking for new treatments to beat the cancer. Now, she is content and at peace with her accomplishments and in knowing she is loved immensely by all those who surround her. When asked if she had any words to say to us, she looked around the room, and said "What can I say? I love you all. More than anything else in this world. What else is there?"

Our Wedding Day

I feel it appropriate to share about the most meaningful day in our lives so far! 

We were officially married in the Orlando, FL LDS temple Friday, February 10th at 10 AM. It was a pretty calm morning in the hotel room, considering my mother and I did all the hair and makeup ourselves (Our good friend/ hair stylist/makeup artist was unable to attend at the last minute). Only after walking through the temple doors and finally having a moment to ourselves were Giuliano and I really able to ponder on the step we about to take in our lives. I cannot describe the peace and joy I felt waiting alongside Giuliano for all our guests to arrive. We had about an hour of uninterrupted quiet time to sit and enjoy each others company. My clearest memory is walking into our sealing room and seeing my best friend's face. Johanna has been a constant in my life since kindergarten and continues to be the sister I never had. I cannot imagine her not being there and am grateful she was able to postpone her move to NC to be present in the temple with me. She was my family :)

After pictures, pictures, and more pictures...
                                                                          My family

Giuliano's family

My brother and I, so happy he was there!

Giuliano and I were able to drive comfortably to the airport and fly down hassle free in time for our reception thanks to my amazing uncle! We enjoyed a nice lunch, boarded the plane, and landed 40 min later...only to find a water sodden Miami. I had about 3 missed calls from my reception site stating we were going to have to forego my previously arranged outdoor ring ceremony. The stress set in then as I struggled to figure out how I was going to get home in "rainy day traffic" in time to get dressed, hair and makeup redone AND now notify about 130 people of a location change. Oy Vey. Somehow (thanks to my amazing mother and patient husband) everything worked out and we were able to stay on schedule. I had one more surprise waiting for me outside:

My stepfather, Carlos, had rented a car to drive us to the reception, and it was beautiful. We really enjoyed our ride.

Even though I was already married, I wanted to share a part of my marriage ceremony with family who were not able to be present inside the temple, so we decided on a very simple ring ceremony. I was also able to broadcast the ceremony for my grandmother who, for health reasons, was unable to leave the house to attend. That was a big disappointment at first, because an event is not truly complete without Abuela, but I am glad Giuliano supported me in finding a way to include her.

My favorite part of my reception, hands down, was my father/daughter dance. We did a "rock the reception"  dance and my dad wowed everyone with his previously unknown of dance skills!

All in all, it was a wonderful day, and I am grateful to all those who helped make it happen. I am truly blessed with wonderful family and friends.

So I've started a blog...

Thanks to my friend Damaris Huici, and her sister Daylin, I have been itching to start my own "new family" blog  since getting married two weeks ago. I kind of continued with their theme of blog names, which I hope they don't mind ;) I think it's a great idea to have a journal for the first years of marriage; and since I am not the best journal keeper, maybe having an electronic format will be easier to maintain. *crosses fingers*

Coming from a family in which my parents divorced at an early age...this whole marriage thing is quite new. You always feel as though you will achieve more than your parents; be better than them somehow. In my community, many of my peers are the first generation to graduate from college. Our parents are always telling us to live better, to be better; to aspire for more. This includes education and career, but we also find ourselves cataloging all those things our parents did that we will absolutely NEVER do (chancletaso to the face) or the things they didn't that we promise we will. Now that I'm married, it seems as though this is another aspect of "do it better".   -Don't get me wrong, my parents are amazing people individually, and they have both had meaningful relationships  post divorce, so I don't consider that a traumatic experience and not what I mean when I say "do it better". - Sometimes even parents that stay together are in need of re-evaluating and finding renewed commitment to their relationship.

I am very happy with my decision to marry Giuliano, one of the best men I know. We had a very long and VERY bumpy road to marriage, but one that I am grateful for. When we first met, we thought we had it all figured out. Boy serves mission, boy returns with honor, boy meets girl = marriage and a fairy tale happily ever after. Except this is real life, and it doesn't usually work out that way. There is no magical formula for marriage, and there is no guaranteed happily ever after. You create your own. When Giuliano popped the question Thanksgiving Day, I was sure at that moment that we were both committed to each other and to starting a new life together. Every day he surprises me more with his continued commitment and tenderness. He even * drum roll please* washes the dishes, puts his clothes away, and cooks. Things he did NOT do prior to our living together and which, frankly, had me a little worried  =) Giuliano is an example to me in his faith and in the way he places God at the head of our home. He also knows exactly how to break my bad moods, and I usually end up laughing it off. I am confident  that, although our relationship is not perfect, we will always find a way to work through any trial that comes our way. Here's to marriage, love, and finding your own happily ever after!